Kindness and connection in parenting

Two of my favourite Positive Discipline strategies, created by Jane Nelson, are "Connection before Correction" and "Kind and Firm." These approaches have been a huge help for me as both a teacher and a parent—I just wish I had discovered them sooner. I only found out about Positive Discipline when my sons were in their early teens.

Research shows that we can't really make a positive impact on kids until we build a connection with them. It's all about the brain. Sometimes, we need to take a break from dealing with bad behaviour and work on fixing the relationship first.

Many studies suggest that kids learn best when they feel safe and have a sense of connection, belonging, and importance.

The idea of "Connection before Correction" is just what it sounds like: connect with your child before correcting them. Connection creates a sense of safety and openness. Punishing, lecturing, nagging, scolding, blaming, or shaming can trigger fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop responses (the five trauma responses), which don't lead to positive results.

Giving kids whatever they want, rescuing, fixing, and over-protecting aren't effective ways to connect. Real connections happen when both the child and adult feel a sense of belonging and importance.

Here are some ways to connect with your child:

• Spend quality time together—put your device down and focus on them.

• Do something fun together—let your child choose the activity instead of deciding what's fun for them.

• Listen—stop what you're doing and really listen. This shows your child they matter to you.

• Validate your child's feelings—understanding their emotions helps you connect.

• Share your feelings and thoughts when it makes sense. Kids will listen to you after they feel heard. Listen to them first, then share how their actions affected you. Sharing respectfully builds connection. Skip the "back in my day" stories.

• Work together with your child to find solutions—this avoids just imposing your decisions.

• Ask curiosity questions—avoid starting with "why" as it can sound accusatory (instead of "Why did you do that?", try 'What led you to that decision').

• Hugs—everyone needs them! It's powerful to tell your child you need a hug (more on this in future blogs).

In traditional discipline, correction often means punishment (like time-outs, grounding, or taking away privileges), where the adult acts ON the child. In Positive Discipline, solutions should be worked out WITH the child whenever possible.

When children feel a connection, they feel belonging and significance. Often that is enough for the behaviour to stop. Don't give up though, if you try some of these techniques and they don't work first time - continuity and consistency are important.

Now, let's talk about "Kind and Firm," where the AND is key in this parenting style.

This parenting tool goes hand in hand with connection before correction, in that the first step is to validate your child's feelings.

Examples include:

• I get that you don’t want to stop playing (Validate Feelings), AND it’s time for _____

• I know you'd rather watch TV than do homework (show understanding), AND homework needs to be done first.

• You don’t want to brush your teeth, AND we’ll do it together. Want to race? (Redirection)

• I know you’re not keen on mowing the lawn, AND what was our agreement? (Kindly and quietly wait for the answer—assuming you agreed on it together beforehand.)

• You don’t want to go to bed, AND it’s bedtime. Would you like one or two stories once your pajamas are on? (Provide a choice.)

• I know you want to keep playing video games, AND your time is up. You can turn it off now, or it will be put in my closet. (Offer a choice and follow through with your decision.)

  
  

There's a big difference between being kind and being nice, and I've read a bunch of articles lately about these differences in leadership. As I've mentioned before (and as Simon Sinek has also pointed out), parenting skills and leadership skills are closely related.

An example of being kind but not nice is seen in nature when a mother bird nudges her baby out of the nest so it learns to fly. If the bird could talk, it might protest, “No. I don’t want to leave the nest. Don’t be so mean. That’s not fair.” However, we know the baby bird needs that push to learn to fly.

Kindness isn't always nice. Parents need to prepare their children for a successful future—referring back to the key characteristics I mentioned in a previous blog. In the case of the bird, it would be unkind to handicap her baby for life by overindulging—an unkindness practiced by many parents today.

Firmness without kindness is punishment. However, many parents don't realize the mistakes made in the name of kindness, such as:

• Pleasing

• Rescuing

• Over-protecting

• Pampering—fulfilling all “wants”

• Micromanaging in the name of love

• Offering too many choices

• Ensuring children never struggle

These parenting methods lead to weakness.

Parents aim to shield their children from struggles, but children need to face challenges, disappointment, and failure. This builds resilience and strengthens their emotional capacity. It's better for them to develop these skills with parental support than to face life's challenges alone, perhaps when they are older, maybe at University.

Don't interpret this as advocating for making a child suffer, but sometimes it's beneficial to let them experience hardship. For example, if a child “suffers” because she can't have a toy she wants, allowing her to endure this helps build resilience. She learns she can handle life's ups and downs—leading to a sense of capability and competence. Support her by validating her feelings, but avoid rescuing or lecturing.

It's unhelpful when parents "piggyback"—adding lectures, blame, and shame to a child's experience. “Stop crying and acting spoiled. You can't always get what you want. Do you think I'm made of money? And all I got in my Christmas stocking were nuts and an orange.”

Instead, parents can connect. “I see this is very upsetting for you. It can be disappointing when we don’t get what we want.” Period. I say, “period,” because some parents overdo validating feelings—hoping it will alleviate the suffering.

 Acknowledge a child’s feelings and let her recover. “I see you’re very disappointed with your grade.” Then comes the hard part—no rescuing or lectures. Allow her to realize she can overcome disappointment and figure out how to improve her chances in the future.

Kindness Without Firmness Is Permissiveness

Many who embrace Positive Discipline lean towards kindness. They oppose punishment but don't realize that firmness is essential to avoid permissiveness. Permissiveness is unhealthy for children, who may conclude, “Love means getting others to care for me and give me everything I want."

Trust your children to learn and grow from challenges—especially with supportive guidance. Recognize that kind isn't always nice in the short term. True kindness combined with firmness creates an environment where children can develop the “wings” they need to navigate life successfully.

Connect with me today to explore how True Wisdom Coaching can help you thrive as a parent.

This blog has been inspired by Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline for Parents