The Leadership Paradox: When Being Nice Becomes Unkind

In my coaching conversations with leaders across various industries, one theme emerges repeatedly: the struggle between wanting to be liked and needing to lead effectively. Many leaders confuse being nice with being kind, not realising that this confusion can actually harm the very people they’re trying to support.

The Nice Trap

Being nice feels safe; it’s about maintaining harmony, avoiding conflict, and ensuring everyone feels comfortable in the moment. Nice leaders smile, nod, and often say what people want to hear. They postpone difficult conversations, overlook performance issues, and prioritise being liked over being effective.

But here's the paradox: when we’re only nice, we’re often being unkind to our team members’ future selves. We’re denying them the opportunity to grow, improve, and reach their potential.

True kindness sometimes requires temporary discomfort for long-term growth and success.

The Kindness of Difficult/Necessary Conversations

Kind leadership, on the other hand, is rooted in genuine care for people’s development and success. It requires courage to have those uncomfortable conversations that nice leaders avoid. When team members are underperforming, a kind leader addresses it directly—not to punish, but to help that person succeed.

Consider Sarah, a manager I coached who had been avoiding a conversation with her direct report about missed deadlines. She thought she was being nice by not "making him feel bad." In realising she was being unkind, she allowed him to continue in patterns that would ultimately damage his career and reputation.

If you are a leader and you see a behaviour that you do not like, if you do not say anything, you are endorsing that behaviour.

The Coaching Conversation Pattern

In my coaching sessions, I often hear variations of the same story:

"I know I need to talk to them about their performance, but I don’t want to hurt their feelings."

"They are going through a rough patch at the moment, so I don’t want to add to their stress."

"What if they get upset or defensive?"

Their concerns come from a place of care, but they are rooted in being nice rather than kind.

The kind approach asks different questions:

• How can I help them succeed?

• What do they need to hear to grow?

• How can I support them through this challenge?

Practical Kindness in Action

Kind leadership doesn’t mean being harsh or uncaring. It means:

• Timing matters: Having conversations when they are needed, not when it is convenient or comfortable.

• Clarity over comfort: Being direct and specific about expectations and feedback, even when it is uncomfortable.

• Support through challenge: Offering resources, guidance, and encouragement alongside honest feedback.

• Future focus: Framing difficult/necessary conversations around growth and potential rather than just problems.

The Long-Term Impact

Teams led by kind leaders often report higher job satisfaction, clearer expectations, and stronger professional development. They know where they stand, what’s expected of them, and that their leader genuinely cares about their success—even when that care comes wrapped in challenging feedback.

Nice leaders, despite their good intentions, often create environments of uncertainty, stagnation, and ultimately resentment. Team members may appreciate the lack of conflict in the short term, but they suffer from unclear expectations, missed growth opportunities, and the frustration of working alongside underperformers that are never addressed.

The kindest thing you can do for someone is to help them become the best versions of themselves, even if it requires a difficult conversation along the way.

Making the Shift

If you recognise yourself as a nice leader, the shift to kind leadership starts with reframing your perspective. Instead of asking, "How can I avoid making them uncomfortable?" ask, "How can I best serve their growth and development?"

Remember: your role as a leader isn’t to be everyone’s friend—it is to help them succeed, grow, and contribute meaningfully to the team and organisation. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is have that difficult conversation you’ve been avoiding.

The next time you find yourself postponing a necessary conversation because you want to be nice, pause and ask yourself, "What would kindness look like in this situation?" The answer might surprise you—and it will certainly serve your team better in the long run.