The Long Game of Parenting: Envisioning Your Child's Future Self

As parents, we often get caught up in the daily challenges of raising children - the tantrums, the homework battles, the endless negotiations about bedtime. But what if we took a moment to lift our eyes from these immediate struggles and looked toward the horizon? What if we asked ourselves: "Who do we want our children to become?"

There's a powerful exercise that can help shift our perspective on parenting. Imagine your child at twenty-five, showing up at your door for a surprise visit. What kind of person do you hope to see standing there?

I would encourage you to pause and think about this before reading on...

Most parents share similar hopes for their children's future characteristics:

·       Self-confidence

·       Self-discipline

·       Responsibility

·       Excellent communication

·       Problem-solving skills

·       Contribute to their community

·       Strong work ethic

·       Self-motivation

·       Emotional intelligence

·       Resilience

·       Compassion

·       Good sense humor

·       Happiness

·       Social consciousness

·       Respect for others

The list could go on.

Yet here's the fascinating disconnect: Many of our current disciplinary approaches don't actually support developing these qualities. When we're dealing with challenges like:

·       Back talk and defiance

·       Homework resistance

·       Screen time battles

·       Chore avoidance

·       Morning and bedtime struggles

we often resort to quick-fix solutions that might achieve immediate compliance but don't nurture the long-term characteristics we hope to see. Some of these quick fix solutions may include punishments.

We need to consider what are the long term results of punishments? The long term effects of punishments could be one of more of the following:

·       Resentment: "This is unfair, I can't trust adults."

·       Revenge: "They are winning now, I'll get even."

·       Rebellion: "I'll do the opposite to prove that I don't have to do it their way."

·       Retreat: Sneakiness: "I won't get caught next time." / reduced self esteem: "I am a bad person."

The 4 R's of punishment are taken from Positive Discipline - Jane Nelson.

The key to bridging this gap is creating a conscious roadmap from current challenges to future goals. Rather than seeing your child's current behaviour challenges as problems to eliminate, view them as opportunities to build those future skills you want them to develop.

For example:

·       A child's strong will can evolve into healthy self-confidence

·       Questioning authority can develop into critical thinking skills

·       Intense emotions can transform into deep empathy

·       Resistance to rules can grow into thoughtful boundary-setting

Remember: The goal isn't to be a perfect parent - that's neither possible nor desirable. Instead, focus on being intentional about your parenting choices, always keeping that future vision of your child in mind.

By maintaining this longer view, we can choose discipline methods that not only address current challenges but also nurture the characteristics we hope to see in our adult children.

After all, parenting isn't just about managing today - it's about growing tomorrow's capable, confident, and compassionate adults. Before reacting, consider pausing and asking yourself, "What skills am I developing in reacting in this way?" This allows you time to consider your reaction so that you develop the skills you want. At this point, consider what you might be role modeling to your child - remember children learn much of their behaviour traits from their parents.

What vision do you hold for your child's future self? How might this perspective shift your approach to today's parenting challenges?

If you would like some more information, email me on georgina@truewisdomcoaching.org

[This post is inspired by Jane Nelsen's Positive Discipline methodology.]