The Magic of a Hug

When it comes to positive parenting, one powerful tool we can utilise is the simple yet profound act of recognition. A hug, for instance, can be a transformative intervention, not just in moments of tantrums but in everyday parenting situations. Drawing inspiration from Jane Nelsen’s insights, I want to share some experiences that highlight the significance of connection in our relationships with our children.

Take, for example, the strong-willed six-year-old daughter of a friend of mine. One morning, she was resolutely refusing to get up and get ready for school. Her mum, as a strong willed woman herself, sensed a potential clash brewing, and she was determined to sidestep it. My friend kindly encouraged her daughter to get up and even laid out her clothes to speed things along—an approach she later realised might not have been the best strategy. Despite her efforts, her daughter remained unmoved.

As my friend reminded her daughter that the bus would soon arrive, she shot back with a loud declaration of her refusal to wear the outfit my friend had chosen. Frustration bubbled inside my friend, but instead of escalating the situation, which she could easily have done, she took a deep breath and approached her daughter with love. She used these words, “I’m going to pick you up, hold you, hug you, and love you... and then you’ll choose an outfit and get dressed.”

In that moment, as she wrapped her arms around her daughter, she felt her tension melt away. It was astonishing how quickly a potentially explosive situation transformed into a warm, loving exchange—simply because my friend chose to hug her daughter, even when she seemed un-huggable.

Co-Regulation: Calming Together

An essential aspect of this kind of connection is co-regulation. This concept refers to the process by which parents and children help each other manage emotions and stress. What's extraordinary about co-regulation is that your child can literally borrow from your nervous system to help calm down. When you remain calm and composed, your child can sense this stability and use it as a resource to regulate their own emotions.

For instance, during moments of distress, when you maintain a calm presence, it sends signals to your child that it's safe to relax. Techniques such as sitting side by side and deep breathing, gentle touch, and maintaining eye contact can all serve as tools for co-regulation. By demonstrating your ability to stay centred, you not only model emotional resilience but also provide a foundation for your child to learn how to manage their feelings.

The Lesson of a Tantrum

Reflecting on another valuable lesson from the late Dr. Bob Bradbury, who facilitated parenting courses for many years, he tells a story about a father struggling with his four-year-old son, who frequently threw tantrums. Dr. Bradbury identified the underlying issue as a desire for misguided power and suggested that the father ask his son for a hug instead of demanding one.

Initially skeptical, the father agreed to try it. When Steven erupted into tears once more, his father knelt down and said, “I need a hug.” The unexpected request caught his son off guard. Reluctantly, he complied, and the hug led to a moment of connection that diffused the tension.

This story illustrates a crucial point: when we approach our children with vulnerability and express our own needs, we invite them to respond with empathy. Instead of reinforcing misbehaviour, we create opportunities for connection and understanding.

Conclusion: Tools for Connection

As parents, we have the power to foster a nurturing environment by employing simple yet effective strategies. Whether it’s validating feelings, offering alternatives, or simply expressing love, these tools help us build connections that encourage our children to feel safe and valued.

Remember, these positive parenting tools are not mere techniques but principles rooted in love and understanding. By focusing on connection before correction and practising co-regulation, we empower our children to thrive. So, let’s embrace the power of recognition, affection, and empathy in our parenting journeys, ensuring our children feel supported and understood every step of the way.

This blog has been inspired by the work of Jane Nelson, Positive Discipline.

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